LIVE! President Obama’s Fifth State of the Union Address (Updating!)

And, we’re done. Now for the four GOP responses. My preview, “Great speech. Except he didn’t quote the Communist Manifesto, so minus points.”

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10:20 PM :: Cory is strong, and so is America. And we can continue to be amazing. Let’s go.

10:15 PM :: This kid. 10 tours. Jesus, America.

10:12 PM :: USA! USA! USA!

10:08 PM :: Iran is sort of under control. You’re welcome.

10:06 PM :: Yes. We need to close Guantanamo, because (Tea Party) if the Constitution matters, we should follow it. #shutitdown

10:04 PM :: I am strong. I am invincible. I am the Commander in Chief, and I’ve got nuclear launch codes. I’ll fight when we have to, not because Congress is bored.

10:03 PM :: I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN. I DID. NOT YOU. ME.

10:00 PM :: No one is left in Iraq, which is nice. Afghanistan is almost done, maybe. Karzia, you’re on fucking notice.

10:00 PM :: Citizenship demands that you give up some shit in order to be safe. So get a goddamned background check before you buy your fucking gun.

9:58 PM :: Voting is important. People fought and died for that right. Do it. But also, you should always have it, even if your governor things you’re not going to vote for them/their party. Cut the shit.

9:57 PM :: GOP logic: The Affordable Care Act is like the Gardasil shot. If you have it, won’t it make you WANT to get sick???!!!

9:57 PM :: Seriously, Kentucky. Gold-effing-star.

9:56 PM :: Put up or shut up. You’re not repealing it. Stop voting against it. If you’ve got something better, let’s see it. Until then, stfu.

9:55 PM :: Kathleen Sebelius, you silver fox. Thanks for Plan B, OTC.

9:53 PM :: Pre-existing conditions prior to the Affordable Care Act: being a woman, being a victim of domestic violence, giving birth. After: NONE.

9:50 PM :: The stock market is rockin’, because I’m a great socialist/communist, but if you’re working to barely meet your needs month-to-month, you’re shit out of luck. But you freeloading losers only care about the people with the cash to fund your re-elections, you filthy animals. You can do this. You can be better people. You can help a generation find financial security.

9:50 PM :: $10.10, it’s easy to remember. Even you fools can remember that.

9:49 PM :: Follow Costco. Buy all the things, hoard them. The zombies are coming.

9:48 PM :: I asked you freeloaders to raise the minimum wage in 2013, and you didn’t. Now five states have done it without you. You’re useless, over paid, and ugly. Get out of here.

9:47 PM :: “I believe that when women succeed, America succeeds”  — GOP take note. Saying things like that help. Talking about being whores and sluts … does not.

9:46 PM :: WOMEN DESERVE EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK!

9:45 PM :: Student loan debt. Ugh. I just can’t even.

9:44 PM :: Cory Booker is super into this.

9:43 PM :: MY NEIGHBOR REPRESENTATIVE LOIS FRANKEL!!

9:43 PM :: Yes. We need higher standards in curricula, less focus on standardized test scores, and we need parents to get involved! This starts at birth, not when your kid brings home his first D.

9:41 PM :: Oh, God, all the feels for this kid. I hope he does amazing things and loves college.

9:40 PM :: Education. Have you seen the shit they teach in these public schools?

9:38 PM :: GOP: Did it make you feel warm and fuzzy to end long-term unemployment benefits?

9:37 PM :: Jobs training, technical colleges, lets get our kids ready to have actual jobs. If Congress wants to get involved, then that’s great, but again, you’re just there and I’m in control.

9:36 PM :: Immigration Reform – one of the only ways the GOP can win back the White House in 2016. WHAT DID ERIC CANTOR JUST MUTTER? It looked like “shit” to me.

9:34 PM :: We need to work on our carbon footprint, because climate change is for real and this shit is going to be Day After Tomorrow scary if we don’t stop with the hummers getting 2 mpgs.

9:33 PM :: Solar energy! Future’s so bright, gotta wear shades.

9:31 PM :: America is super close to being totally energy independent, which is super inconvenient if we’re using oil for starting wars.

9:30 PM :: VACCINES ARE GOOD, USE THEM. THEY PREVENT THINGS.

9:29 PM :: If we get more technologically based, I’m screwed. I can barely use my smart phone.

9:28 PM :: Lucy, my Dachshund, is sleeping/passing gas/snoring loudly.

9:26 PM :: Jobs here at home! Like, in my bedroom? I’ll apply for that one. But no, really, jobs. I’ve got a MA and I’m super smart and hilarious.

9:25 PM :: How did I not know that Boehner’s father owned a bar? Also, President Obama’s mother was the ruin of America. Because the GOP said single moms kill … nations?

9:24 PM :: No? No claps for marriage equality? You’re all assholes.

9:23 PM :: Michele Obama is making all of the fat kids less fat, which is great. Except it was probably the skinny, white, affluent kids.

9:23 PM :: President Obama: I’m more powerful than you, I don’t need you. I’ll destroy all of you.

9:22 PM :: CLAP FOR WORKING POOR, YOU LAZY TAKERS. Seriously, who are these people?

9:20 PM :: New Jobs > New Crises

9:20 PM :: SHUTDOWN. Can only think of Miley Cyrus SNL parody.

9:19 PM :: The GOP didn’t clap for a sick kid. Classy.

9:18 PM :: Seriously, America is great. Look at all these amazing things we, every day Americans, did with our own two hands. USA! USA! USA! Suck it, China!

9:17 PM :: Afghanistan, and so soon. Oh, Sec. Kerry, don’t look so sad.

9:15 PM ::  Minute 1: Americans are hard working and are doing their best. Seriously.

9:14 PM ::  Was that introduction a little sassy?

9:13 PM ::   How long until the first audible boo?       

9:10 PM ::  FINALLY! PRESIDENT OBAMA! Let’s get this party State of the Union started.

9:06 PM :: I don’t know what it is, but listening to Chris Matthews speak right now is making want to punch the teevee. But, alas, Kathleen Sebelius is there, and she sorta loves women and access to safe and legal abortion, so yay!

9:04 PM :: If I were on the aisle, I’d be in hot pink. Like, flamingo meets neon. Just FYI.

9:02 PM :: Michelle and Dr. Jill look fabulous. Emerald is such a great color, and I love the rich purple on Dr. J. 

8:59 PM :: Ruth Bader Ginsberg, I love you. That’s an epic outfit. You go, girl.

8:55 PM :: Is that a planet I see so brightly shining on my screen? Nope. That’s John Boehner, who got a fresh can of orange today.

8:52 PM :: I wonder if the Duck Dynasty guy, what’s his face with the hair, will say something terrible. Who, BTW, is wearing a headband. Or is that a bandanna? In my Jewish culture, we call it a shmata. Jesus.  I wonder if Secret Service had to comb through his face pubes before letting him through.

8:47 PM :: President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama are en route, and I’ve got a fresh box of Girl Scout cookies. Get excited.

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